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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.